The outcomes of my life (today) – feverish thoughts

Southern Garden by Paul Klee

I’m sick at home and have been in two stages over 3 weeks. Unable to do anything cerebral,  I sit and take in the room and the view outside my windows.

There are things I appreciate:

The tea tree sways in the wind and sunlight re-enacts this movement in the shadows on a blanket at the end of the couch near the window.

Intermittent bird song and the sound of wind.

The feel of the breeze on my arms.

The sunlight illuminating the pink blossoms of an indoor plant.

The sensation of lemon and ginger tea soothing my throat.

The ‘silence’, as much as it can be.

These are outcomes for me based on external conditions: light, architecture, placement of objects, my position, my awareness, my appreciation.

I did not perceive these same things yesterday because:

I felt sicker.

The weather was different.

I wasn’t receptive to many things.

I wasn’t able to feel pleasure.

What I will not do is put these conditions in a spreadsheet and try to control future experiences. I will not create numerical data to ensure moments of pleasure for the next time I’m sick. I will not expect it to be the same next time. I will not assume these conditions will be experienced in the same way by others. I will not expect that everyone is privileged enough to be sick in similar conditions.

I will not write a policy for How to Feel Better During a Prolonged Virus.

10 thoughts on “The outcomes of my life (today) – feverish thoughts”

  1. Hope that sharing your feelings here and your thoughts about those feelings makes you feel just a little better. May these actions also speed up the ‘feeling better real soon’ process.


    1. Thanks, Bev. 🙂 I enjoyed writing it out. You have an excuse to not make too much sense when you’re sick.

  2. Having active minds we can’t help but puzzle over things and sometimes it’s a real pleasure to have no opinion, position or algorithm of rational resolution beyond “shit happens.”

    1. It’s freeing to have no opinion, isn’t it? Maybe because it’s not all about defining and understanding, just being in the moment.

  3. Alternately, chance is is overrated so what might be the probability that the person interviewed for this video would apparently cut himself shaving the morning of the shoot? And that this mishap would trigger my remembering you weren’t feeling well? Perhaps we are approaching resolution of the tension between the ability to explain and the joys of misunderstanding?

  4. Hi Tania, just wanted to let you know that your blog has been given as an example of excellence for my CSU course in TLship. It is very inspiring. However I have spent the last hour looking at all your wonderful links and have got quite off the track of study.
    It has been a very enjoyable distraction.

    1. Hi Wendy, how surprising! Thanks for letting me know, and glad you’ve enjoyed reading it. I know what it’s like to find people you want to read online and get very, very distracted!

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